Often our relationships with our children center on control
and correction. When parents control their children, they are trying to get the
children to do things the children don't want to do. Or they are trying to keep
the children from doing things they want to do.
Parents generally have more power than children. We are
bigger and stronger. But it's hard to force people to do something they don't
want to do. We can spend all of our time yelling at children and trying to
bribe, convince, or force them to do what we want them to do. That's the
trouble with control. It takes over the relationship. It can be the only thing
that parents and their children seem to talk about. And it's not a very good
basis for a relationship.
Sometimes our relationships with our children are based on
correction. As parents, we spend a lot of time telling our children what they
do wrong. Sometimes our correction even becomes insulting. "How can you be
so dumb?" "Why can't you do anything right?" "Can't you
think?"
Insults are damaging. They do not give children useful
information. They only make them feel bad. Even when we avoid insults, too much
correction can be bad. Correction should not be the main part of our
relationship with our children. There are better things to talk about.
Everyone realized that raising children is a very important
task for many reasons. Our children are
a trust from Allah SWT. Allah entrusted us with them and we will be held
accountable for how we carried out and whether we fulfilled this trust. The Prophet
SAW sakid : “It is enough sin for a person to let those who depend on him go
astray.”
Children are a product of the influence that their parents
have on them and Allah is going to ask parents about that influence on Judgment
Day. How do we influence our children so that they can possess certain
important qualities that are essential to make them good Muslims?
The first step is to evaluate our actions and deeds. Umar
Ibn Khattab radiallahu anhu used to say, “Review, evaluate, and assess yourself
before you are assessed. Weight your deeds before they are weighted against
you, and prepare yourself for the day where you will be fully exposed.”
Ask yourself the following questions with ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and
acknowledge your findings and categorized them as either positive or negative
behaviours. Acknowledging our strengths
and weaknesses is the first step in improving our parental behaviour. After that put your trust in Allah SWT and
make a commitment to positive change. Changing unhealthy habits is the key to
success.
Here are the questions and be truthful when you answer them.
1.
I feel that I had little experience with my
first child. This causes me to be too strict or too lenient with him or her.
2.
I expect perfection of myself when I am with my
children and I often feel like a failure when I can’t do the perfect thing.
3.
I feel that cleaning the house and preparing the
food is more important than playing with my children or taking them to the
park.
4.
I don’t often let my children try certain things
that I think are difficult, because I wasn’t able to do them when I was a
child.
5.
I feel that I’m raising my children in the same
way that my parents raised me, despite the difference in time and place. This
is because I don’t know of a better way to raise them.
6.
The way I treat my children shows that I don’t
have confidence in their ability to do things.
7.
I let my children make simple decisions that are
specific to them and reasonable for their age.
Reinforce the positive parental behaviours and keep
practicing them with your children. Change the negative behaviours and replace
them with the positive ones.
Wassalam
Zakia Usmani
Source: Parenting skills
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