Positive and Negative Parental Behaviours - Part 2

Islam promotes respect in all relationships; it is very important part of the Muslim personality. However, our children are surrounded by a culture that does not promote respect. Our children are affected by this culture and may sometimes respond to their parents and to other elders in the community in a disrespectful way. Parents have to correct this behaviour. If they correct it in the proper way, using a positive parenting behaviours it will have a positive effect on their children.

Parenting takes a lot of patience and fortitude. We must make positive comments in response to positive behaviours or actions from our children. We should not simply praise our children continuously if the child has not made any effort. We must take advantage of specific events or actions that our children do.

If you want to work with your 4-12 year old child so that they become a happy, healthy, well-adjusted teenager or young adult, start early in their life to apply these parenting tips. It's never too late to start applying positive parenting techniques.  
  • Keep a positive attitude - When our children have behaved, spoken, or decided something that we did not like, we must check our attitude at that time. For example suppose your son is helping you set the table and he accidentally drops a glass, and you say, “You are always clumsy like that.” This is a negative behaviour. In order to have the greatest influence with our kids, we should be thinking good things about them in order to project our love and concern for them at all times (Yes, even when we have to hold them accountable, we want to make sure they know that we still love them).
  • Remember to say please and thank you - Treating our kids politely is the best way to encourage them to behave politely with us and others. Using "please" and "thank-you" with them will get them into habit of using these words with us, with each other, and with people outside the family. Remember modeling "good" behaviour is much better than just talking about it.
  • Talk about what you want rather than what you don't want - For example instead of saying: ‘Don't spill that milk!’ use ‘Please be careful with that glass’ or ‘Don't forget to do your homework.’ Replace it with ‘Remember to do your homework’.  ‘Don't slam the door!’ replace it with ‘Please close the door rather than slam it.’ Using positive statements get much better results.
  • Replace "but" with "and" -  Rather than say "You've done a great job with vacuuming the carpet, but you missed this spot." Try this: "You've done a great job vacuuming the carpet, and there's one little spot over here that needs some more attention." "But" negates everything before it, and it usually precedes a critical or negative comment. "And" ties two thoughts together without the negative connotation.  
  • Be clear about your real objective - Be careful to focus your disciplinary approach on teaching the lesson you want your child to learn and not on expressing the depth of your hurt or anger. If you focus too much on your feelings, you run a major risk of having them miss the whole point of your disciplinary choice. They might take your efforts as evidence of you "punishing" them rather than "holding them accountable" or "teaching them a valuable lesson."

Venting your hurt, fear, or anger can do relational damage that you'll have a difficult time overcoming.

Train your children frequently practice the correct behaviour in the proper way, with your guidance. Do not expect that, by following these steps once, the child will behave appropriately all the time and not repeat the mistake. You need to repeat the process each time the child repeats the mistakes or behaves in an unacceptable way. And remember training and practice make things perfect.

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